A City Church member Marcella Hart, had this beautiful picture on her facebook profile. When I saw it I immediately related to this photo, because the entire month of July 2010, I felt like this! I did not know why I felt this way since July was suppose to be my birthday month (And yes most of my friend's celebrate the entire month when it's their birthday in OKC!!) I was awe struck by the photo, the picture of this girl and the feeling I felt was like inter turmoil, loss, and no direction. I could not shake this feeling my thought process was clouded and all I wanted to do is ball up and just sleep....because I truly felt alone.
I no longer wanted to speak to anyone, so I did not, I would watch movies well into the night, I would manage to get through the day yet once the day was over all I wanted to do was sleep. Many would say this was a sign of depression for me I was tired of making any type of decision which not only affected my life but the lives of others. I have a hard time saying NO and I had just got to the point of no return where saying yes to every demand and command was overwhelming me .
Turning fifty did not help either because I was now wondering "What I'm I suppose to do now?" Yes another decision!!!!
Image by tomfs via FlickrThe summer months in Oklahoma City are hot, hot and more hot so there's no point of going outside...so I stayed in and watch the month go by....! I did manage to go downtown one Sunday evening to Bricktown, and walked along the canal this was calming, there's hardly anyone in the area. Myself, Christal Shanun (sister's) and my nephews enjoyed just walking around and taking in the sites
Image via WikipediaI believe I was coming upon a mile stone called "LIFE" it was directing me toward my purpose and journey, letting me know the people and activities I could no longer say (NO) too could no longer exist. I need to focus and come to grips with aging which at this point would deal with reasoning and wisdom. I was going to have walk along a new road that have more of my vision, plan and direction for my life. As July came to an end the feeling that had over whelmed me seem to be leaving, I was feeling like my old self "what ever that means"?? I don't think it had anything to do with me turning half-a-century old "HA" !!!
I now know fully why I had this feeling the entire month of July, I was going to have walk alone. This was going to be my journey on a different road that has more of a vision, plan and direction for me. I could not resign myself to stay in a balled up state and miss what God has in store for my life!
I would have to come out of my shell and know that I was in GOD'S hands. All the questions and answer's while I walked this road told me I wouldn't walk it alone!
"Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go,no one else"